A Calorie Counting Success Story

The Amazing Shrinking Woman

New Moon Review November 28, 2009

I had a lovely Thanksgiving, and I hope the same goes for you all as well.  The menu included turkey, ham, crescent rolls, asparagus casserole, sweet potato casserole, macaroni and cheese, and of course dressing.  For the first time in my life, I helped make it all, and for that reason it was produced much quicker than usual.  We also had apple pie, fudge pie, a turkey cake, and peppermint ice cream.  I ate large amounts of all of the above except turkey, because I hate turkey.

One thing I did (twice) over the holiday was go see New Moon.  I’m not a movie critic, but I do play one on the internet.  Here’s what I thought of it.

The movie, overall, was a significant improvement from Twilight.  Chris Weitz, the director, really did a great job both staying true to the book (from what I can remember), and the actors really carried the film this time.  Last time I thought that the setting was more memorable than any of the actors, and that’s not a good sign for them.

In particular, I thought that Kristen Stewart did a far better job as Bella.  Not only did she not look 11, but she also didn’t chew each of her lines in her mouth before spitting them out in machine-gun bursts.  I attribute this to her breaking up with her boyfriend, Michael Angarano, which consequently means she hasn’t been hitting the pipe.  Remember those days?  Those were dark Kristen Stewart days.  Let’s have a refresher!

Ahh to be young.  I think the picture above goes a long way in explaining her horrible performances in interviews leading up to the release of Twilight, and the absence of such tasteful photo-ops these days explains her better performances in the interviews promoting New Moon.  Call me old-fashioned, or elitist, or a clean freak, but I prefer a showered, un-strung-out Kristen Stewart.  Why not take advantage of a safe municipal water supply?

Basically, she did much better this time around.  Perhaps it’s because she’s dating Robert Pattinson.  Ok probably not, but did you hear the new abbreviation for these two?  Krisbert.  My new favorite word.  It sounds like it could be so many things.  A small English town, perhaps.  (Cockney acccent)  I’m headin up to Krisbert for the chimin o’ the bells!  Or maybe an internal body part.  The doctor said he’s going to run some tests and see if my krisbert isn’t out of whack.  An exotic vegetable?  Excuse me, sir, do you have any fresh krisberts in this harvest?

Robert Pattinson was fine.  I mean that as in acceptable, satisfactory, mediocre.  I wasn’t blown away.  Maybe it was because he was barely in it at all.  But he’s just not my type.  I don’t get the hysteria.  To steal a line from a friend of mine, he looks like a ball of dough dropped in hair.

Taylor Lautner, on the other hand, was A+++++++++++++.  That kid earned his paycheck.  He was a perfect specimen of the male body, and I was happy to spend $8 to see it.  He is a terrible actor, but he’s young.

The other wolves, however, weren’t as ripped.  That was a huge letdown for me.  One of them was even fat, by movie standards.  He had man boobs.  And he was a terrible actor.  Those two things led me wonder if he were possibly related to the casting director, or if said casting director owed him an inordinate amount of money.  There’s no other reason I can think of that that guy would be in the movie.

Apparently there’s some hubbub about the actress that played Emily, Sam’s finance.  She says she’s an American Indian, but she told the movie people that her birth certificate was lost (read ripped into tiny bits and burned), so she could get the part  (will she be running for president soon?).  People think that she’s actually a real Indian, like the ones in India.  People think this because her parents are both Indians from India, which leads people to believe that she’s like them.  A fair assumption, I say.

But the real stand out performance in the movie came from the soundtrack.  It was spot on for the first half, and perfectly adequate for the second.  The editors did a fantastic job with that.

There were also some really silly parts where I laughed when I wasn’t supposed to, and the wig department needs some serious funding.

But overall, I’d recommend this movie to a friend.  So friends, I’m recommending it to you.


Day 8 – New Moon PR Stunt and How I’m Staying on Track November 11, 2009

Early today I was perusing my regular gossip sites, aka dlisted and justjared, when I stumbled upon a story about Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart holding hands.  Oh dear oh dear.  Now, I normally couldn’t care less about these two, except for the fact that I did get sucked into the books and therefore have a reasonable interest in the actors.  My question is though, am I just the sucker they hoped for?  Am I drawn to this story because of the mystery they’re trying to create about it?  Am I a victim of Summit Entertainment’s clever PR department?  I can’t think of a better way for them to generate buzz for this movie than to have the lead actors secretly canoodling in public.  (Secretly… in public… yeah it doesn’t pass the sniff test.  But then again, neither does Robert Pattinson.  So he claims.)  Just something fishy I thought I’d pass along.  Here’s the pic.  Seems odd, no?

This morning I had grits and butter as usual.  Then I didn’t eat lunch, because I wasn’t very hungry (I know I should have), and when I got back to The Ranch about an hour ago, I ate a slug of peanut butter.  So I have tons of calories left today, and I just don’t know what to make.  I might go with a grilled cheese, in addition to something else.

I’m thinking now of how y’all have made me successful.  I’m so determined to not slip up, not go over my daily calories, not be an idiot and pretend like some foods don’t count–all because of you.  When I know you’re out there reading this, I am inspired not to let you down.  Plus, I want it to be a real experiment with one question to answer: Can I eat anything I want, within my daily calories, and lose weight?  It has to be accurate for you.  This is science, dammit!

It was so scary at first to actually publish my real weight: not what I would weigh on the moon, or underwater, or in a spaceship, but on Earth.  And I realize that is just part of the delusion of some of us in the overweight crowd.  Who the heck are we kidding?  Who did I think couldn’t tell that I was fat?  I’ve put up a picture of me with my friends on the sidebar so that I can see the real difference every day.

I joke with my mother that I have body dysmorphia–in a good way.  See I never think of myself as being a fatty until I see a mirror.  When I do see myself, I think– ehh it’s not that bad.  Thus, while real body dysmorphia people see a healthy body as too fat, I was seeing a too-fat body as healthy.  So it’s like body dysmorphia in reverse.

But now that I’ve got you readers, I’m far more realistic, and I feel much better about not giving up.  That’s a great part about Weight Watchers.  They understand the concept of the support system and that sense of accountability that comes with it.  That’s why you’re more successful when you go to the meetings.  They’re not selling a weight loss technique; they’re selling the meeting.  And it’s an effective product when you’re sensible.

Leave me a comment if you’re feeling saucy.


grits –130

butter –100



-Afternoon snack-

Slug (2 T.) peanut butter –190

Now… about supper…