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New Moon Review November 28, 2009

I had a lovely Thanksgiving, and I hope the same goes for you all as well.  The menu included turkey, ham, crescent rolls, asparagus casserole, sweet potato casserole, macaroni and cheese, and of course dressing.  For the first time in my life, I helped make it all, and for that reason it was produced much quicker than usual.  We also had apple pie, fudge pie, a turkey cake, and peppermint ice cream.  I ate large amounts of all of the above except turkey, because I hate turkey.

One thing I did (twice) over the holiday was go see New Moon.  I’m not a movie critic, but I do play one on the internet.  Here’s what I thought of it.

The movie, overall, was a significant improvement from Twilight.  Chris Weitz, the director, really did a great job both staying true to the book (from what I can remember), and the actors really carried the film this time.  Last time I thought that the setting was more memorable than any of the actors, and that’s not a good sign for them.

In particular, I thought that Kristen Stewart did a far better job as Bella.  Not only did she not look 11, but she also didn’t chew each of her lines in her mouth before spitting them out in machine-gun bursts.  I attribute this to her breaking up with her boyfriend, Michael Angarano, which consequently means she hasn’t been hitting the pipe.  Remember those days?  Those were dark Kristen Stewart days.  Let’s have a refresher!

Ahh to be young.  I think the picture above goes a long way in explaining her horrible performances in interviews leading up to the release of Twilight, and the absence of such tasteful photo-ops these days explains her better performances in the interviews promoting New Moon.  Call me old-fashioned, or elitist, or a clean freak, but I prefer a showered, un-strung-out Kristen Stewart.  Why not take advantage of a safe municipal water supply?

Basically, she did much better this time around.  Perhaps it’s because she’s dating Robert Pattinson.  Ok probably not, but did you hear the new abbreviation for these two?  Krisbert.  My new favorite word.  It sounds like it could be so many things.  A small English town, perhaps.  (Cockney acccent)  I’m headin up to Krisbert for the chimin o’ the bells!  Or maybe an internal body part.  The doctor said he’s going to run some tests and see if my krisbert isn’t out of whack.  An exotic vegetable?  Excuse me, sir, do you have any fresh krisberts in this harvest?

Robert Pattinson was fine.  I mean that as in acceptable, satisfactory, mediocre.  I wasn’t blown away.  Maybe it was because he was barely in it at all.  But he’s just not my type.  I don’t get the hysteria.  To steal a line from a friend of mine, he looks like a ball of dough dropped in hair.

Taylor Lautner, on the other hand, was A+++++++++++++.  That kid earned his paycheck.  He was a perfect specimen of the male body, and I was happy to spend $8 to see it.  He is a terrible actor, but he’s young.

The other wolves, however, weren’t as ripped.  That was a huge letdown for me.  One of them was even fat, by movie standards.  He had man boobs.  And he was a terrible actor.  Those two things led me wonder if he were possibly related to the casting director, or if said casting director owed him an inordinate amount of money.  There’s no other reason I can think of that that guy would be in the movie.

Apparently there’s some hubbub about the actress that played Emily, Sam’s finance.  She says she’s an American Indian, but she told the movie people that her birth certificate was lost (read ripped into tiny bits and burned), so she could get the part  (will she be running for president soon?).  People think that she’s actually a real Indian, like the ones in India.  People think this because her parents are both Indians from India, which leads people to believe that she’s like them.  A fair assumption, I say.

But the real stand out performance in the movie came from the soundtrack.  It was spot on for the first half, and perfectly adequate for the second.  The editors did a fantastic job with that.

There were also some really silly parts where I laughed when I wasn’t supposed to, and the wig department needs some serious funding.

But overall, I’d recommend this movie to a friend.  So friends, I’m recommending it to you.