A Calorie Counting Success Story

The Amazing Shrinking Woman

New Moon Review November 28, 2009

I had a lovely Thanksgiving, and I hope the same goes for you all as well.  The menu included turkey, ham, crescent rolls, asparagus casserole, sweet potato casserole, macaroni and cheese, and of course dressing.  For the first time in my life, I helped make it all, and for that reason it was produced much quicker than usual.  We also had apple pie, fudge pie, a turkey cake, and peppermint ice cream.  I ate large amounts of all of the above except turkey, because I hate turkey.

One thing I did (twice) over the holiday was go see New Moon.  I’m not a movie critic, but I do play one on the internet.  Here’s what I thought of it.

The movie, overall, was a significant improvement from Twilight.  Chris Weitz, the director, really did a great job both staying true to the book (from what I can remember), and the actors really carried the film this time.  Last time I thought that the setting was more memorable than any of the actors, and that’s not a good sign for them.

In particular, I thought that Kristen Stewart did a far better job as Bella.  Not only did she not look 11, but she also didn’t chew each of her lines in her mouth before spitting them out in machine-gun bursts.  I attribute this to her breaking up with her boyfriend, Michael Angarano, which consequently means she hasn’t been hitting the pipe.  Remember those days?  Those were dark Kristen Stewart days.  Let’s have a refresher!

Ahh to be young.  I think the picture above goes a long way in explaining her horrible performances in interviews leading up to the release of Twilight, and the absence of such tasteful photo-ops these days explains her better performances in the interviews promoting New Moon.  Call me old-fashioned, or elitist, or a clean freak, but I prefer a showered, un-strung-out Kristen Stewart.  Why not take advantage of a safe municipal water supply?

Basically, she did much better this time around.  Perhaps it’s because she’s dating Robert Pattinson.  Ok probably not, but did you hear the new abbreviation for these two?  Krisbert.  My new favorite word.  It sounds like it could be so many things.  A small English town, perhaps.  (Cockney acccent)  I’m headin up to Krisbert for the chimin o’ the bells!  Or maybe an internal body part.  The doctor said he’s going to run some tests and see if my krisbert isn’t out of whack.  An exotic vegetable?  Excuse me, sir, do you have any fresh krisberts in this harvest?

Robert Pattinson was fine.  I mean that as in acceptable, satisfactory, mediocre.  I wasn’t blown away.  Maybe it was because he was barely in it at all.  But he’s just not my type.  I don’t get the hysteria.  To steal a line from a friend of mine, he looks like a ball of dough dropped in hair.

Taylor Lautner, on the other hand, was A+++++++++++++.  That kid earned his paycheck.  He was a perfect specimen of the male body, and I was happy to spend $8 to see it.  He is a terrible actor, but he’s young.

The other wolves, however, weren’t as ripped.  That was a huge letdown for me.  One of them was even fat, by movie standards.  He had man boobs.  And he was a terrible actor.  Those two things led me wonder if he were possibly related to the casting director, or if said casting director owed him an inordinate amount of money.  There’s no other reason I can think of that that guy would be in the movie.

Apparently there’s some hubbub about the actress that played Emily, Sam’s finance.  She says she’s an American Indian, but she told the movie people that her birth certificate was lost (read ripped into tiny bits and burned), so she could get the part  (will she be running for president soon?).  People think that she’s actually a real Indian, like the ones in India.  People think this because her parents are both Indians from India, which leads people to believe that she’s like them.  A fair assumption, I say.

But the real stand out performance in the movie came from the soundtrack.  It was spot on for the first half, and perfectly adequate for the second.  The editors did a fantastic job with that.

There were also some really silly parts where I laughed when I wasn’t supposed to, and the wig department needs some serious funding.

But overall, I’d recommend this movie to a friend.  So friends, I’m recommending it to you.

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Day 16 – The Triumphant Return of the Calorie Counter, and a Dog Bite November 19, 2009

Hello, hello, hello!  Or in the words of Ann Curry, “Good morning, good morning, everybody, in the news this morning, good morning.”  Oh what the heck, I’ll just let her say it.

Gets me every time.

So as some of you guessed, my prolonged absence was actually due to a misguided and ill-conceived attempt to grow a mullet like Tom Brady.  Now David Beckham is getting in on the weird mullet act.  Should such a beautiful man get a roadkill haircut?  And again, like Tom Brady and his lady, isn’t David Beckham like, married to Victoria Beckham, aka Posh Spice, aka Skinny McPencil?

It may seem like I’m digressing.  I’m not.  Posh, who likes to be called Victoria, (it’s a compliment, she says… How is your name a compliment, unless your name is Damnyouresexy Jones?) recently said in an interview that she won’t lie–she eats lots of salads.  “Salad.  I’m not going to lie.  I’m not one of those people that says “Oh, I eat hamburgers.”

And the sick thing is, I’m so glad she said that.  I never thought that she ate anything other than salad, except for maybe the occasional kilo of cocaine (jk, no one can pry the cocaine shipments from Kate Moss’s kung-fu grip), but I’m just glad that she finally publicly said something honest.  This helps take away the stigma from women in this country who DO eat hamburgers (guilty!) that we’re somehow inherently flawed because we can’t seem to look like Victoria Beckham.  I do like Victoria Beckham, because she let her son wear his astronaut suit out in public, because she seems to love her children and her husband, and because she’s not shoveling loads of bull at the average American.  For that, Victoria, (can I call you Vicky?) I am grateful.

Now enough about boring, skinny famous people.  Let’s talk about me!  I have been noticeably absent for the past five or so days.  Honestly I was working like a crazy person trying to get something ready for tomorrow.  Of course, I’ve wanted to blog so badly the whole time that I’m staying up way too late tonight as a trade off, but no matter.  Back in college I’d never go to sleep before 3am.  I was so nocturnal I thought I’d begun to grow a marsupial pouch.  (In reality I was just getting another fat roll on my stomach.  I blame Taco Bell for being open til 2am or later.)

During my absence, I did not let you down, dear readers.  I stayed within my calories and tracked them compulsively.

One thing that I really must work on is eating regularly.  I eat breakfast every day, because as reader Christine mentioned on her blog the other day, eating breakfast kickstarts the metabolism.  Now I’ll be honest.  There’s lots of dietary information out there that I think is total crap, but I’m a big believer in the metabolism.

Thyroid issues aside, I don’t think that some people are born with a fast one or a slow one.  I think we train ourselves into one end of the spectrum.  For instance, in high school I “ran track.”  (Translation: I did shot-put and discus on the condition that I never, ever had to run in practice–a condition to which the coach agreed because I held the county records and he needed the meet points.  Despite the common assumptions, shot-putters are not all Helga and Thor.  It’s all about technique, really.)  My friends were some of the distance runners.  Not surprisingly, they were very, very thin.  In the off season they ran cross-country.  In their spare time, they ran around their neighborhoods.  Meanwhile I was sunning myself in the backyard and biting individual grapes from a bunch I dangled from my hand.

It is my opinion that, (and I am by no means a doctor–I don’t even play one on the internet–so feel free to ignore this non-medical advice), a slow metabolism lives in a body that moves less, and a fast metabolism lives in a body that moves more.

The metabolism is what allows a bear to hibernate for months and wake up thinner but healthy.  His metabolism slows to a crawl and he stores all his fat.  His body works very efficiently on little energy.

That’s the same thing we do when we skip breakfast!  We send the bear into hibernation and our bodies start conserving fuel (FAT) because there’s no new supply.

Think about the first people on this planet.  I’m of the they-were-put-here persuasion, but you might be of the they-evolved-from-sea-monkies persuasion.  Either way, they didn’t have it easy.  They basically walked around (which is why walking is so important to a healthy lifestyle) looking for food, ate when they found it, went hungry when the didn’t.  That’s why our bodies can work much like a bear’s.  We were built for such occasional periods of hunger.  It’s not a flaw that we gain weight, it’s part of the intricate design of the human body.  This was all worked out long before Glen Bell ever dreamed of opening the first Taco Bell.  And even longer before someone realized that a drive thru meant never even having to stand up to get your food.

So the moral of the story is eat your breakfast.  Otherwise you’re just making weight loss harder.

In other news, I have a puncture wound on my right pinkie where the dog bit me when I was trying to take away a pecan tree branch that she wanted to bring inside and chew into sawdust.  I was very concerned about this at first, but then I realized that I’d be really ticked off if someone tried to take away my 7 Layer Burrito, and then I kinda see where she’s coming from.  However, that’s no excuse.  So I’m going to work on enforcing the rules with her more.  It’s been hard because I’ve been so busy, but she’ll be happier if she’s not biting me and getting a subsequent spanking.  The Ranch is a mess too, and the Mothership is coming to visit tomorrow, so I’ve got to get cleaning as soon as asap.  (My best friend used to say that.)

I promise I’ll try to keep updating regularly.  I’m also thinking progress photos once a week.  I know I said that earlier, so now I’m going to make good on it.

Today I ate:

-Breakfast-

Grits –130

1 T. butter –100

-Supper- (chicken soup)

chicken breast –220

1 small russet potato –59

rotini –239

rice–180

water

garlic

Calories remaining: 790 (TOO MANY!)

Should I buy some Nutella for situations like this, when I have almost 800 calories left?  I think I just might…

Oh and by the way, I had my “I feel skinnier” moment this morning!  I’ll tell more tomorrow afternoon or night.

Goodnight!

 

Day 12 – Lunch, Supper, and Tom Brady’s Mullet November 15, 2009

For lunch I had another homemade pizza. When you live alone, recipes often make more food than you need, so to save money you have to eat the large batch for several days.  I’m doing that with the pizza dough I made the other day.

-Lunch-

pizza dough –472  (a lot, yet still less than a TBell 7 layer burrito.  Alas, the universe is unfair.)

1 c. mozarella –320

1/4 c. pizza sauce –30

1 onion –64

Total for lunch: 886

-Supper-

Lasagna –350

Why was I eating like an Italian today?  Don’t know.  But I’m not sorry because it was so good.

I was thinking today about how I’m going to handle “the holidays.”  By “the holidays,” I mean Thanksgiving and Christmas, of course.  I decided that I’m going to have approximately 5 days of “unrestricted, go insane and eat whatever” food.  Those days will be: Thanksgiving and the day after Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas, and the day after Christmas.  I will faithfully blog all the days leading up to them, and I may even blog about them, but I don’t won’t be posting about what I eat because I won’t be paying attention.  Some of you might think that this is a bad strategy, but I’m thinking that, while it might set me back a tiny bit, it will be worth it because I know I won’t be going over other days.

On an unrelated note, has anyone noticed Tom Brady’s mullet?  I mean it really is getting ugly.

Ok so that’s not him, but it might as well be.  At first I thought his helmet was just short in the back, but now I think it’s a full blown mullet.  Sort of like Kate Gosslin’s reverse mullet, only forward.  I’m watching the Colts / Patriots game and the mullet is bothering me.  Isn’t he, like, married to Giselle?  Shouldn’t she be telling him that mullets are not so hot?

The world may never know.